Father, what have you done to me?
by Aesculap
Summary: Castiel is struggling with emotion, Dean and the world in general. Spoiler for 5.02


**AN:** This is my interpretation of the first scene of 5.02

Obviously this is a spoiler for that episode.

* * *

It was... ignominious. Needing to call the Winchesters. Use a piece of their technology because otherwise he had not been able to communicate with them. Fortunately being an Angel still meant he had an extraordinary memory - compared to humanity - and dialing Sam's cell number was easy too. He had watched the brothers countless times use their phones. He knew how to work one himself. Roughly. It took only a few seconds then the connection was established and he heard... other people talking in the background... some kind of hospital. "Hello?" Sam's voice sounded strange but perhaps that was because of all the technology between them.  
What did people say when calling? Right they said there name first. "Castiel."  
"Castiel?!" Sam sounded taken aback and in the background he could Dean clearly hear muttering "Speaking 'bout the devil..." Castiel didn't get that so he ignored the older hunter's comment.  
"What are your current whereabouts?" It was humilitating to ask something he had been able to sense even when he had been half a continent away only three days in the past.  
"St. Martin's Hospital. Why...? What are you...?"  
Castiel didn't wait for Sam to finish. He simply vanished leaving the speaker dangling in the air. Half an heartbeat later he entered said hospital. He still could not sense the brothers as he used to. But it was easy searching in the mind of the young woman at the reception for the room Mr. Robert Singer was currently located. Nearly in the same moment he picked up a faint "Castiel?". It was Sam. They were really close. The Angel simply started walking into the direction the voice had come from. It was very busy inside the hospital so no one questioned Castiel what he was doing here. He had only been to an other clinic once and was not sure whether strangers were allowed inside or not. He took no chances and hurried towards the brothers.

Both Winchesters were standing outside a room, the door open, their faces worried and puzzled likewise. Then they spotted him.  
"Cell phone, Cas? Really?" Dean asked instead of a greeting. "What happened to Angels reaching out and touching someone?"  
Obviously atleast the older hunter still had not gotten it. "You are hidden from Angels now. _All _Angels. I won't be able to simply..."  
"Enough foreplay!" Bobby's gruff voice interrupted them from inside the room where the older man was sitting in a wheelchair facing the window. "Get over here and lay your damn hands on!"  
Castiel's heart fell. He knew how much the older man meant to the brothers. He knew how much he hoped for Castiel to help him. He knew the hunter had something like faith in his powers. And now he had to disappoint him. Had to scatter his faith. As Castiel didn't answer after a few seconds, Bobby hollered: "Get healing! _Now_!"  
The Angel had to stop himself from sighing deeply. "I can't." He simply said and looked Bobby in the eye. All of his regret, of his frustration was written all over his face. A silent plea. And Bobby got it. Slowly he turned around with his wheelchair. "Say again." There was still hope in his eyes. Hope and terror.  
Castiel slowly walked to the sitting man while explaining: "I am cut off from Heaven... much of Heaven's power. Certain things I can do, certain things I can't."  
"You tellin' me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this crap the rest of my live?!"  
"I'm sorry." Sorry did not even start to cover it. Castiel was so much more. But he simply could not express his feelings - feelings he was not sure he should be even capable of having.  
"Shove it up your ass." The older hunter simply said and turned to the window again.

Castiel did not know what to do with that one. Not once in his very long live had someone ever said anything remotely alike to him. He felt even more frustration rise. Dean and Bobby exchanged a few words the Angel did not really hear. He was struggling to suppress the emotion tearing inside of him. Then he turned and walked to the brothers again. "I don't have much time. We need to talk."  
"Ok..." Dean answered with a frown.  
"Your plan... to kill Lucifer..."  
"Yeah, you wanna help!" Dean obviously still was not sure where their conversation was leading. Although for Castiel it was painstakingly clear.  
"_No_!" This... pigheaded human. Did he really continued to believe he could kill someone as powerful as the Morningstar? Castiel stifled the urge to yell at Dean. "It's foolish. It can't be done."  
"Oh, thanks for the support." There was a smirk on the hunters face that made the Angels blood boil again.  
Unwaveringly on the outside Castiel continued to explain: "But I believe I have the solution." Now he had the attention of both Winchesters. "There is someone besides Michael strong enough to take on Lucifer. Strong enough to stop the Apocalypse." His eyes bore into Dean's. Never leaving the hunter. He knew his reaction to the Angel's next words were crucial. "Who's that?" Sam asked cautiously.  
Castiel shortly turned his eyes on the younger hunter. "The one that resurrected me and put you on that airplane. The one who began _everything_." The Angel looked at Dean again to not miss anything the hunter did after hearing the next word. "God." Castiel's borrowed heart was in his mouth. It was the first time he experienced such an amount of tension and jumpiness. It felt uncomfortable. Sam's eyes were wide. Dean's brow even more furrowed. "I'm gonna find God." He clarified.

Dean ushered them inside the room and closed the door before asking still not believing his ears: "_God_?"  
"Yes." Castiel answered hoping for Dean to see the reason behind his words. To accept and endorse his plan. It really would mean something for the Angel - although the realisation somehow confused him a bit. "He isn't in Heaven. He has to be somewhere." Castiel laid all his hope into his voice. But Dean's next words caught him totally unguarded.  
"Try New Mexico. I heard he is on a tortilla." There was a smirk in the hunter's eyes. But surely this could not... Was he really _joking_?  
"He is not on any flat bread." Castiel stated confused. He still was not sure if he had read the hunter correctly.  
"Listen chuckles. Even if there is a god... He is either dead - and that's the generous theory..."  
"He is out there, Dean." Castiel interrupted him. Inside his mind his voice was shouting at Dean but miraculously he managed to sound relatively calm.  
The Hunter did not wait for the Angel to finish his sentence and continued: "Or he is up an' kickin' and doesn't give a rat's ass about any others."

Anger, fury, disappointment. Too many emotions were raging inside Castiel to name them. He really tried to keep it down but right now the only thing he could thing of was to pin Dean against the next wall and show him the beauty of the world so his eyes would bleed and his ears would go deaf and... He took a few deep breaths while Dean kept rambling on. Breath in. Breath out. Do not kill Dean Winchester. In. Out. In. Out.

"... drinking booze out of a coconut!" Dean's words drifted into the Angel's hazy brain and triggered something.  
"Enough!" He raised his voice. Perhaps for the first time in many a hundred years. Instantly Dean shut up. Frightened? Startled? Castiel was to furious to care. "This is not a theological issue. It's strategic. With God's help we can win."  
"It's a pipe dream, Cas." The older Winchester stated. Still obviously not getting how worked up the Angel was on the inside.  
Castiel made another step that brought him directly into Dean's face. His eyes sparkled with rage. Never had he been so close to loosing control over himself. Never had he felt so close to exploding. His voice was low. Not really a whisper but anyone not standing in their direct vicinity would have to strain their ears to understand him. "I killed two Angels this week. Some of my _brothers_. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it all of it for you. And you _failed_. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything. For _nothing_." Finally he saw realization in Dean's eyes. But it was too late. It did nothing to calm the screaming voices inside the Angel. It could not sooth the fury. Castiel's voice became a faint whisper. But it was more intimidating than he had ever been before. "So keep your opinions to your self." The last words were forced outside through clenched teeth. Finally Dean broke eye contact.

"You didn't drop in to just tear as a new hole. What is it you want." Bobby's calm voice distracted both Angel and hunter likewise. Castiel took a deep breath suddenly aware that it was not only him and Dean, that there were to more humans inside this room. Had been all along. Forgotten through their heated conversation. "I did come for something. An amulet" Finally Castiel stopped staring at Dean and looked at the man in the wheelchair.  
"An amulet?" Bobby asked. "What kind?"  
"Very rare, very powerful." Slowly. Painstakingly slowly the rage dissipated. Castiel was very grateful for the old hunter to distract his mind. The Angel really did not know what he might have done if... Dean too was fidgeting. Obviously Castiel was not the only one uncomfortable. The Angel concentrated on this topic alone. The Amulet. "It burns hot in God's presence. It'll let me find him."  
"Like a God-EMF?" Sam asked curiously and again Castiel was grateful to interact with someone else as Dean.  
The Angel simply nodded.  
"Well, I don't know whatcha talkin' about. I got nothing like that." Bobby said confused.  
"I know." Castiel calmly stated. "You don't." His eyes turned to Dean again and strangely he felt no fire raging inside. Only tiredness. A weariness he had never experienced before. Uncomfortably Dean stepped on his other food and raised his eyebrows, a frown spreading across his face again. The hunter had no idea. Yet. Castiel dropped his eyes, looked at the small golden pendant at Dean's chest and suddenly there was realization in the human's look. And fear. And disbelief. The hunter looked down as if to check whether he miraculously had gotten an other amulet and then met Castiel's gaze again. "What? This?"  
"May I borrow it?"  
"_No_!" Castiel expected a fight but Dean's harsh tone sent a painful sting to his heart.  
"Dean, give it to me." Castiel tried again. His voice calm and soft but still strong with his plea. Something changed in the hunter's eyes. The Angel could see it clearly. A mix of emotions fighting each other. Castiel held his breath hoping for Dean to make the right decision, hoping for Dean to decide not against Castiel a second time. It would have broken his heart.  
"All right, I guess." There was still fear in Dean's eyes as the hunter took the leather cord off his neck. Warmth spread inside Castiel's chest. The older Winchester was giving his second dearest possession to him. Out of free will. Without so much as a struggle. Castiel simply had to ask twice. Dean was about to give it into the Angel's outstretched hand but stopped midway. "Don't... lose it!" Castiel answered mutely with an earnest look. He would never lose this amulet. He'd rather die. Not only because it was their best chance, his only hope to stop the Apocalypse and Lucifer...

Dean cautiously let the cord go as the Angel took the charm. "Great. Now I feel naked." He grumbled.  
Again emotions were threatening to rise to the surface and Castiel simply said: "I'll be in touch..." before he vanished in a flutter of wings.

He was an Angel! Angels were not meant to feel! Much less feel such an amount and so many different emotions in such a short time. Weariness claimed him and he sighed deeply. Castiel was standing at a sidewalk in a town he did not notice. People were walking past him. People who had no idea about what was really going on. People who did not know about the Apocalypse or Lucifer. About him being an Angel. And he felt alone. Alone, tired, angry, desperate... Castiel raised his head, looked up in the sky and demanded an answer from God. "Father, what have you done to me?" He did not notice speaking these words aloud but suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and as he turned startled he saw a priest standing next to him. "Many of us are asking this question at one or another point in our lives. Have faith and our Father will lead you." Castiel touched the amulet resting in the pocket of his trousers. It felt warm. As warm as it had felt since the Angel first had laid hand on it a few minutes ago.


End file.
